A week or so after the miscarriage, a cute package arrived. It was from my sister-in-law, Renee. Inside were some yummy fall treats and a bundle of small purple card-stock rectangles wrapped in a pretty purple ribbon. I carefully untied the bow to see what was written on the cards. What I found were eleven hand-written Bible verses.
After reading through them, I placed the cards in various locations around my home. A few went on my vanity, two on my bedside table, more randomly placed in the kitchen, the bathroom, etc.
I’ve shared this with some people in my life, but not on my blog yet: The crazy thing about going through the miscarriage was that never, ever, ever in my life have I experienced the kind of closeness with the Holy Spirit that I experienced in the two weeks leading up to the miscarriage and the week following it. Here’s a short synopsis of what was happening in my life during this time:
-A friend came over to chat. We talked about how another person we both know claimed that the Holy Spirit was her best friend. I later pondered this thinking, “How? I don’t feel like that ever been true for me.” This conversation kept coming to mind in the days following.
-Pregnancy fatigue got worse. My mom-in-law stayed with us for a week and then I decided to go back to Colorado with her for another week. Because of the before mentioned conversation, I decided (not sure where this decision even came from) that while I was in Colorado I was going to become best friends with the Holy Spirit.
-While in Colorado I was too tired and sick to ever read the Bible, but I did have an ongoing dialogue with the Holy Spirit more than ever before. When I’d lay in bed at night, without my husband to talk to, I poured out my heart to the Holy Spirit and I found that it felt wonderful to do so. I drew near to Him and in return I felt that He was drawing near to me.
-When I returned home, this closeness remained; enough so that my husband even commented on how he’d been encouraged by my attitude lately and that my faith was inspiring him. (When your husband says that, know something legit is going on.)
-A week later I started bleeding. Despite my symptoms, I felt secure. I felt sure that everything would be okay. I felt close to God.
-The night of the miscarriage Jon, Cam and I drove to San Fransisco. Most of the car ride was spent praying and talking. The last hour of the drive I experienced painful cramping.
-When we got to the hotel, Jon went inside to check in. While he was inside, my water broke. There was a problem with our credit card so it took him about fifteen minutes to get the issue resolved. When he finally returned, we parked and I used one of Cameron’s diapers to keep me from bleeding through my pants on the walk up to the hotel room.
-As soon as I got to the hotel room I went and sat on the toilet. Almost instantly blood started pouring out.
-The rest of the story you can read here.
-Once we returned home I went through a week of grieving. But not the despair kind of grieving. It was more of a deep, peaceful sadness than an angry grief.
Like I’ve mentioned before, I don’t understand why the miscarriage happened. But all I know is that strangely enough it seemed to me like God prepared me for it. There have been countless situations in my life where I’ve responded terribly to difficult circumstances. A miscarriage has the potential to wreck a person. Yet somehow, promptings from the Holy Spirit lead me to draw near. I didn’t do anything flashy or religious. In fact, during this time I mostly laid on the couch because that was all I could manage to do. I felt weak in every respect, yet the Holy Spirit was truly becoming my best friend.
I saw a quote the other day that said, “You never realize that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have.” This was very true for me during this time.
So all that being said, there is a God whose love is strong enough to go into even the darkest of situations and who sits with us in our tragedy and offers us hope and healing. I think the Bible verses from my sister-in-law are all great reminders of the kind of sweet relationship we can have with God in the midst of incredible pain.
And of course, there is no right or wrong way to go through a miscarriage. We all do the best we can do. If you’re someone who felt alone and hopeless after your miscarriage, that is understandable and that is okay. There’s no shame or guilt for feeling angry at God or upset at what’s happened. Sometimes it takes us a while to find peace in our hearts and to be open to healing. But it’s possible.
Whether you’ve experienced a miscarriage or some other kind of trauma or tragedy, I hope these verses point you towards the one who cares for you the most.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” - 2 Corinthians 12:9
The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love O Lord, endures forever. - Psalm 138:8
Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truths and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long. - Psalm 25:4-5
Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23
The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. - Psalm 145:13
…pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord. - Lamentations 2:19
Blesses is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. - Luke 1:45
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. - John 16:33
You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry. - Psalm 10:17
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, “Do not fear; I will help you!” - Isaiah 41:13