On New Year’s Eve, my husband Jon and I decided that we felt ready to start trying for baby number two. Since baby number one was a complete and total surprise, the idea of trying seemed so strange and foreign to us. We felt sure about wanting another baby, but then the next moment we would question our sanity. How could we ever be sure? We decided that we couldn’t, so we had to just trust our hearts and take a leap of faith.
As January 1st came and went we assumed that by the end of the month we would be celebrating the conception of our next child.
But it didn’t happen.
Despite 1,000 signs that I was pregnant, the tests said no.
Call it ‘power of the mind’ or a pregnancy that didn’t last…I’ll never know…
But it was a reality check.
It was a much needed reminder that God is the creator of life. Yes, we play our parts, but we do not determine when someone will be born or who that someone will be.
I was grateful for a friend who reminded me that God knows the names of my children. He knows the days on which they will be born. He knows their life. He knows them. And although I sometimes think I am in control of the development of my family, nothing happens apart from Him. He is the giver of taker of life.
So January passed and as February dawned, Jon and I decided not to try so hard. Trying felt awkward and stressful and I’ll stop before I share too much…so moving forward we decided instead just to let things happen. I didn’t think about babies or pregnancy too much in February until I was late of course. 8 days late.
[TMI Warning: Sometimes after you have a baby and you are breastfeeding, your cycles can get all wack and irregular.]
I took a pregnancy test everyday. I told myself not to get my hopes up, but as the days passed, my anticipation of baby news grew.
But again, the tests kept saying no and I soon found out for sure that I wasn’t pregnant after all.
It’s so strange how taking a pregnancy test can either be the most thrilling, horrifying, relieving, or disappointing moment you’ve ever experienced, depending on your mind-frame at the time.
I’m not sharing any of this for sympathy or because I want the whole world to know that I was trying to have another baby. In fact, the thought of that is pretty weird.
I honestly have no idea when the best time for me to be pregnant with another child would be, so I’m glad these things are not left entirely in my hands. I’m glad the destiny of my family isn’t left up to whims and sudden magical feelings of faith for a second child. Plus, wanting a child for two months is hardly anything compared to the heart-wrenching praying and waiting that many couples go through.
Honestly, I think a lot of the reason I want to be pregnant again is that my husband has one year of school left. Two years down, one more to go. The past couple months have been the most difficult time for me in his schooling so far. After two years of doing my best to be supportive and understanding of the crazy schedules and insane workload, I think I’ve become tired of it. I’m ready for it all to end. I think I just want to move on and enjoy life on the other side of the giant wall we’ve been climbing for two years. I’m tired of saying things like, “When you’re done with school we will ____.” The past couple months my life have begun to feel like a waiting game, so in my mind there would be nothing better to distract me for the next year than the anticipation of another baby. (Mom, if you’re reading this, please let your eyebrows relax- I know this all sounds crazy.)
I’m not really sure what my conclusion to all of this is. I think this is more of a journal entry to myself so I can wade through my feelings and feel like by putting them down on paper, somehow I am removing them all from me.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
I reminded myself today that Cameron was not my idea; he was God’s.
If it had been up to me, Cameron wouldn’t even exist because Jon and I thought it would be better to put of having kids until he was finished with school…
I’ve been praying lately that God would soften my heart. I want to enjoy this season of life to the fullest, instead of wishing it was different. I want to be a supportive wife through the rough patches as well as the easy ones. I want to let this whole wanting a baby idea go like a balloon on a windy day. I just want to feel God’s perfect peace. It’s all possible. It’s all things God has helped me with before in other circumstances. I just need him to help me again now.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.